As everybody knows that nuns love a tasty bit of fish, it brings me back to the time when me self and a couple of the lads where down the Dee fishing as we used to do on the summer holidays.
It all began on a rainy Tuesday morning. I woke from the leaba ( Ni raibh scamail sa spare agus leam me ar an leaba agus leam me ar an rothar go dti an river Dee agus is maith liomsa milsean agus mo laithroith mor ).You might need Di Vince and his code to figure that one out. I woke up and scoffed half the sliced pan in to me that Joe The Bread man had just delivered. As i sat there at the table eating my toast i stalked the mammy like a Venus fly trap waiting on an unsuspecting Blue Bottle. I stalled and sipped the tay slow and made no sudden moves, next thing the washing machine became silent and this is when I knew the time had come. The Mammy moved like a fox, sly and calculated watching every move, but I knew I could make it happen. "What happen you might wonder" The quest for the Fairy Liquid, With out the sacred Liquid for there might no worms which would equal no fish. As the Mammy headed for the machine I knew the time had come... I darted to the sink and horsed as much Fairy Up Liquid as I could into a small jar which I had obtained at an earlier date.
A successful mission it was. I began to make my way to my friends house where we would conjure the worms from the earth like Gandalf would summons his massive eagles for help on his quest.
On arrival to Dunnys we Immediately mixed the Fairy liquid with like a witches potion. We spawned a large quantity of bubbles, this is when we knew the plan was in effect. We emptied the bucket of water containing the well earned Fairy Up Liquid on to the grass and waited for the magic to happen.
As if the Divil him self had driven the slimy beasts they call worms from the ground they slowly but surely one by one started to rise from the earth.It was a sight to behold as worm after worm burrowed from the earth like the zombies in the Michael Jackson Triller video, mad it was.
To us the worms where like crack is to an addict, we had to have them as they where the key to winning the fishing contest beyont in the Dee.
For years we mastered our skills of casting, spinning, floating and dredging the Dee in the quest to see who could get the most money from the nuns in the convent.The nuns where extremely fond of the old fish seen as they couldn't eat to many sausages they paid top dollar for a good large smelly trout. The competition was on.....
Saturday morning, eleven o'clock, me, worms, me tackle, Jucky Shields, John Sherry, Joey Fay, Trevor Ward and Bobby Dunne. It was similar to the Grad Prix in Monaco but different. The mission was who could catch the biggest trout and sell it to the nuns.
We all took our favourite spot along the Dee and casted off. Everything was going well apart from the traces of fairy up liquid that was coming from the worms and scaring the fish away but next thing out of the blue we spotted Joe Austen coming in the Burger truck, Joe Finnegan coming videoing none other than feckin Beyonce Knowles coming down the Dee with a huge big black rod in her hand, it wasn't Jay Z's it was a lovely six foot pole belonging to 50 euro.
She approached us and asked if she could join the fishing competition, of course we agreed as it would only be the Ardee way to be nice and then slag the shite of her minutes later.
She began to tug on the big black rod with great anger as the hook was stuck it the eye of the big black rod. Her being Sasha Fierce and all didn't want any help undoing her tangled line but whats a man supposed to do with that huge pipe in your face and the rod about to poke threw your britches. She couldn't manage the big rod to well so she decided to move on to a young Irish lad and see what would happen.
All was well but still no fish from anybody,Beyonce started to get all diva and requested only red maggots to be put on her hook, What do you do only oblige.
The time passed and it was getting late in he evening and the nuns where finished the Saturday Vigil and mad for fish, with the pressure mounting Beyonce decides that worms just weren't gonna do the trick so she takes of her 20 million dollar ring from Jay z and ties it to the end of the line. It sparkled and gleamed as she held the big black rod tightly between both hands, she gave the rod one huge big tug and out came the line like a load of sea men getting out of a submarine after a six month trip below.
In no time at all the trout where tugging at Beyonces rod and she began to tug back and reel in the big fish.Slowly but surely the fish came to shore, as it drew nearer we had to take our sandwich's and tay of her shelf like ass as she needed to reel the beast in.
Beyonce took in a nine pound trout and put all the Ardee boys to shame. We had nothing to say, all we could do was ask how she managed to catch the monster trout... she said "if you liked it then you should of put a ring on it".
She then headed to the nuns with the fish and she got ten quid for her troubles.
And that's that, threw story. If you like it then put a ring on it. Wha !!
