Seal

You know the way seal has such bad skin of his face ?

The reason is because he was clubbed as a baby seal.

Thanks to " Guinea John"

Joke - Mental Institution

My local mental institution's football team won 3-0 last night. 


All 3 goals were scored by headers.


                                                                         Thank's Foscal

Joke - The Simpsons

‎"I've some trouble with my hearing, doc"

"Can you describe the symptoms?

""Sure.. marge has blue hair, and homer is fat".


                                                                   Thank's Foscal.

Jesus and the Eggs.

What was the last thing jesus said too his disciples as he was nailed too the cross ?

Dont touch me feckin easter eggs...i'll be back on sunday yis bastards!!!

Beyonce ( Ron ) Knowles

What did Beyonce Knowles say to the little girl when she lost her balloon.......................
"If you liked it then you should have put a string on it"

Bob The Builder

What do you call Bob The Builder since the recession..Bob.

Tony Soprano The Baker

When Tony Soprano changed his Career from mafia man to baker what was the first thing he did when he woke up ?????

He woke up in the morning and got himself a bun.

The Pregnant Woman.

A woman in labor is screamin profanity at her husband. He says 'Hey, dont blame me. I wanted to put it in your ass. But nooo, you thought THAT would hurt!

Facts. Tennessee

In Dyersburg Tennessee it is illigal for a woman to call a man for a date.
It's true !!

Joke. Mrs Rowntree

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street ; he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter and she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.
'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought!
Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and TicTacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts.

Thank Belinda

Joke. The Blonde

Blonde wife calls husband, "I've run out of petrol and i'm scared to fill up because of the swine flu.The husband says ya daft twat it's in Mexico not Texaco

Shit . Joke

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my friends’ generous genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home t o tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Thanks Belinda.

Elephant Man. Joke

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Joke. The Blind Man

A blind man walk's into a bar. He orders a drink and says to the barmaid, "do you want to hear a joke about blondes ?"
Silence falls and the woman next to him says "Before you say anything, the girl behind the bar is a blonde, the girl at the door is blonde, I'm a six foot, sixteen stone blonde karate black belt and my friend here is a blonde wrestler. Do you still want to tell your joke.
" Nah the blind guy says. Not if I have to explain it four times!"

The elevator

A man walks in to an elevator and there is a beautiful tall blonde woman standing inside. The man takes one look at her and says
" can i smell your vagina "
With a look of disgust and a frown she says
"no"
he then replies
"Ah it must be your feet".

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I'm off it for lent!

Cheers Norma.

Axl Rose

Years ago in the early 70s Axl Rose as a young boy found work in a mental home for munchkins, trying to scratch some money together so could but his first guitar, it actually is the guitar that he wrote some of Guns N Roses biggest hits on. Anyway he wasn't earning to much money so he came up with the idea of trying to get 100 new munchkins into the hospital in a week.More munchkins more money he said to himself. Desperate for his guitar he hit the streets carrying a big box and a fishing net. He set all kinds of traps to catch the munchkins, i remember one of the traps was an elaborate mechanism of ropes and pulleys and it involved a bag of Monster Munch and a Marathon bar. He would lure them in one by one on his quest for 100 munchkins. As the days went by he was on the way and he could almost feel the strings of the guitar in his hands. At this stage there wasn't to many munchkins left in LA, ya know it's not the yellow brick road, but he plowed on until finally he had captured 99 munchkins and put them in the mental home. With one day left Axl scowered the LA streets but to no avail. He passed by the music shop where the guitar was placed in the window with a tear in his eye he wrote these lyrics " all i need are some little patients, yeeaahh "

Joke....Africa

Where is Uganda ????

I thought he was at home in bed with Uganny.

Jokes..Bob Marley

What did Bob Marley say to his midget wife when he asked her to make him a cuppa soup?
Stir it up little darlin.

Jokes..Magic Tractor

Did you hear about the Magic tractor ?
It turned into a field .